My experience in Pre-writing

     The moment I hear a teacher say "pre-writing", I feel a black knot begin to form in my stomach. It's sticky tentacles reach up and threaten for gag me from within, oozing it's slimy hatred out my mouth.  Pre-writing. I hate it. The idea of it is good, planning out you ideas before you write them SHOULD make them easier to write about and organize. Should. The problem for me however, is that I don't even know what I'm writing or where I'm going until about halfway through a paper. I don't even usually write my thesis at first if I can avoid it(aka we don't have to turn them in early-say- on turnitin.com making me very miserable and at a loss for words as I struggle to condense my entire unwritten paper into one line).  I just let words come and hope they make sense. My words tend to say what they want regardless of what I intend anyway.  Pre-writing for me is just a hassle, it takes up precious time for times writing and often isn't follow when I write the actual paper so it is indeed pointless.
        The contradicting thing however, is that in creative writing I am a  meticulous pre-writer. In a short or long fiction story, I must write down  every event that will occur in order, interesting lines I plan on using, and physically plan out every character(though that's mostly because I am terrible at characters....). My pre-writing is not to help me organize though, more so to help me remember all my ideas until I  have the attention span to actually write them- which, sadly, isn't often. The only time it is ever used for organization or planning purposes is for novel length ideas, not one of which I've ever bothered to go back and write, be it because I lack the focus, or the motivation once I see how the whole story is going to go(its simply not exciting any more....).
     In the end, prewriting doesn't help me much. I might draft a thesis or topic sentences a few times as I come to them, but more so to get wording rather than ideas right. I do not enjoy having to plan what Im going to do. It feels...restraining.  I need the freedom to write what comes to me, as it comes to me. I can't force my ideas to cleanly plan themselves out before I have a chance to fully understand what my ideas even are.