Makeup blog 2/14:The Guilt Trip

     Guilt is an emotion I don't feel often, but when I do, I not only take a trip but an entirely temporarily upheaval of my life to settle in Guilt Land. I feel like flamingo dancers are performing in my stomach, trying to spin fast enough to rise like a helicopter up my throat and vultures cruise through my system as their wings brush against my veins and the circle my heart looking for dead flesh. I try not do or say to things I know are wrong or mean or I would have to lie about, simply because I feel guilt so intensely that I get physically sick. Eighteen or not, lying to my Mother still sends me running to the bathroom and prevents me from sleeping for days on end. I can't do it.   Well intending or not, telling details of a friend's life to another fills my mouth with moths. Yet, I still do these things- though not often. It doesn't help when that on parent wants you to feel guiltier than you already do. It's the whole "oh sure you can go to your friend's. They're obviously more important to you." or "Oh, you'll have to ask someone for a ride. This wouldn't be a problem if you were driving," . Pointed, but true comments. Lucky for them, I already feel bad about those situations, their comments only giving my internal vultures offspring. In the end, I probably need to learn to deal with guilt more effectively than just feeling ill until it passes, or just quit doing anything Id feel remotely guilty for.